Why I Won't Ignore Gaiman-Gate

Even though I wish I could. Even though I'm disappointed.

Neil Gaiman inspired me. I admired him for his world-building, his devilish imagination, his whimsy, and not least of all the progressive, respectful persona he projected. For years, I shared my admiration of the man with my students because I wanted to inspire them, too.

Several years ago, a student drew this picture on my board celebrating my enthusiasm for Neil.

Then, a few months ago, the internet began to whisper Neil's name alongside yucky accounts of unwanted advances and sexual coercion. There aren't yet a lot of facts, I reasoned, maybe the whispers will die down.

The whispers instead amplified, and this week I forced myself to read New York Magazine's article, "There is no Safe Word," about my erstwhile favorite author. It was a painful, somber read for me because it revealed a Neil who resembled the portrait of Dorian Gray: selfish, cruel, and marred.

It's no longer possible to pretend this isn't a thing.

NOTE: This post examines topics and details that some may find disturbing.

---

Bias and Belief

Believing survivors doesn't mean dismissing due process. It means receiving painful, difficult stories with seriousness. It means treating brave humans with kindness and respect.

We must be cautious of would-be victims. Otherwise, good people will be accused by scammers looking for attention, money, or revenge, right? That's the conventional wisdom anyway; let me explain why it's wrong.

Please think of a person you know whom everyone admires and respects. They are successful, well-spoken, affable, even generous. We'll call them Ash. Ash is connected and confident, put together.

Now imagine you are the only individual to witness Ash commit a rather nasty crime. Perhaps the crime was against you, and maybe you're humiliated or even ashamed that it happened at all.

Are you with me so far?

Now ask yourself, what are the pros and cons of reporting what you know? First of all, it's really hard to talk about. Secondly, you must keep in mind that if you speak out, Ash and people in Ash's circle won't take it quietly. They'll start questioning you, your ethics, your very sanity, and this will most certainly play out in public.

Making this report could and likely would affect your career, your personal wellbeing, and make life uncomfortable for your family. Why would you open Pandora's box if no one is going to be held accountable, and nothing is going to change?

Victims of sexual violence and other abuses are well aware that coming forward can lead them straight into the starring role of a shit show. Speaking up is risky because our society is biased towards power and equates success with virtue.

I understand not wanting to falsely condemn someone. However, I say it's possible to believe survivors without dismissing due process. When someone takes the risk of reporting sexual violence, they deserve our respectful attention. It's serious and it's hard to talk about. Meanwhile, if you're protecting someone with power while dismissing their accuser, you are most certainly silencing countless survivors, empowering predators, and propping up systemic injustices.

Believing survivors is supporting a world where no one feels silenced, doubted, or invisible. And that's only a first step; the next is examining the conditions that obscure clear consent.

---

Clouded Consent

True consent is freely given, enthusiastic, informed, and revocable.

Consent is a fundamental boundary that prevents harm and honors an individual's autonomy and dignity. It should never be assumed, even if the person consented in the past, and especially if the person is inhibited in some way. Though this concept seems clear enough, there are scenarios that can cloud the matter. This is because not everyone has the agency or understanding at all times to give genuine consent.

On Tuesday, Neil addressed the accusations in his journal. He said, " At the time I was in those relationships, they seemed positive and happy on both sides," and in truth there is evidence of playful message exchanges and other green-light signals between him and the women who came forward. Maybe, just maybe he didn't know he was pressuring them. However he's a smart man, so that's a big leap of faith. What's for certain is he should have known because those clouds were present, heavy and menacing, cumulonimbus.

• Power Imbalance - Neil was employer, landlord, or mentor to some of his accusers. He's a celebrated author, wealthy, and respected. Authority, money, fame, and influence can skew the dynamic between people and create pressure - spoken or unspoken, that affects the less powerful person's ability to freely say no.

  
  

• Legal vs Ethical - One of the women accusing Neil was 19 when their encounters began. He was 60 years old. Yes, a 19 year old can legally consent, but is it reasonable to expect someone with limited life experience and an immature frontal lobe to navigate a relationship with a late-career genius?

  
  

• BDSM - The accusers report BDSM was Neil's sexual preference. However, the cornerstone of kink is consent, which in that community is never assumed. If Neil was familiar with a BDSM lifestyle, he certainly knew that he had a responsibility to ensure his partners felt their connection was safe, sane, and consensual. The responsibility is not a one and done, but to be repeated before, during, and after every encounter.

I'm not suggesting that a healthy sexual connection is impossible under the scenarios listed above, not at all. I am however saying that grown ups, truly consenting adults, know that assumptions are dangerous under cloudy conditions. I'm sorry, but, "I didn't know," is not an excuse.

---

Letting Go

In this culture of celebrity we feel like we have a personal connection to our heroes, especially storytellers who occupy our minds and ignite our spirits.

Is the solution to protect our hearts and never believe in anyone? How do we heal when our heroes fall?

Neil Gaiman

For me, I think it's about accepting cognitive dissonance, which admittedly isn't easy, but it beats heartbreak. I don't know if I'll ever again cherish Neil's words and worlds, but I do accept that in a given matter, two very different truths can coexist. In this case, one truth is that I have truly reveled in the work of this talented and supremely skillful storyteller. The other truth is that there is no human who deserves to be idolized to the point that we overlook their sex crimes.

It's a bummer, I'm disappointed, and life goes on. Gaiman-Gate will continue to play out and perhaps Neil will get his due process. Meanwhile, thank goodness there are more stories to discover, characters to love, and beautiful writing to inspire us. I will explore new authors who bring light into the world, and I hope you will, too.